Life is Precious

The biggest threat that I am trying to face right now, is the reality of their short lifespan. Yesterday, my brother had his blood chemistry taken finding out that his cholesterol (SGPT) is eve higher than a healthy adult's. I felt so scared that I didn't know what to do about it. i wanted to shut everything out as much as possible.

I cannot imagine life without my brother. And what about my parents? They have never spent enough time with him. Enough time to get to know him. It scare me to death that he may not live long enough for me and my family to enjoy time together as a complete whole.

Simply Treasuring the Jewels Within

Sometimes we just have to sit back and see how beautiful these children are. Sure, there are times when they can be destructive but its not as if they mean it. We, being the normal people should understand and see what they are going through. Being able to see how beautiful and loving these children are take time, effort and patience. Believe after having exhausted everything, you will be able to see the jewels that they are.

I saw how violent my baby brother could be when he is provoked, hurt or frustrated but there are the good days where he wakes up happy and cheerful. Dancing to the music and smiling from ear to ear. And those are the days where I can say how lucky I am to have such gems. There are those times when he sneaks up on me in bed and cuddles and just wants to be treated like a baby. How I wish my mom would have been here to feel the warmth of this little boy's love.

Learning and Teaching

The past couple of days have been a blur to me. In the short span of time since I started this course I felt more involved with the kids and in a way my dad has been cooperative enough to reach out and spend time with them.
There have been instances already when I am able to take my brothers out for a ride without having to bring a helper with me. Just last week me, my dad and my two brothers went to the boulevard to eat burgers.
In that short span of time, I noticed how great it feels to be so involved in caring for my brothers. Seeing them so happy brings warmth to my heart and that, my friends is something you cannot trade in for any gold in the world.
But my problem is that everytime I start to get that good feeling of emotional attachment to my brothers, I start to get bothered because I end up thinking about how things will be once I start my career.
Just this morning my dad started to mention (again) that when we move to the states, the kids will be placed in a dormitory (an institution) so that me and my mom will be able to work. That got my blood boiling again! I would never allow my brothers to be put in such place! I would rather keep them here in the Philippines with their yayas, where they are comfortable rather than take them with me to the States only to deposit them in some institution.
How am I ever going to be able to take care of my brothers with the future that I will be facing? The sad part there is that I can never share my worries with my mother. I hate that she dismisses my fears. I don't know what to do anymore...

Autism Day on CNN

As I was browsing through the channels I found out that it was World Autism Day. The story on the screen was of a 19 year old American boy. He was tall, and had just learned to do self care. I saw my brother in him and once again felt sad. I could not imagine living life unable to care for myself.

I look at my brothers now and I see in them happy children just enjoying what they have. But they will not be children for long, Ryan is now 19 and Robert is now 10. How will they survive without me or my parents? Who will take care of them and provide them their needs. I would want to believe that they would live happy lives but it all seems so hard to picture out.

I enjoy spending time with my brothers because they seem to take away all my troubles but time will come where I will have to go on my way and make a living. How will my brothers survive without me?

A Smile...

My favorite thing to do when I'm with my brothers is just to watch them. Looking at them at play just makes my heart melt like butter. Just to see them happy takes away all the doubts that I have. They make me strong and they make me want to fight for them. I can't imagine how my life would have been if they were not around. It would have been a dull and empty.

I admit that I am always in fear of what is to come for me and my brothers because having parents who work in two different places and rarely seeing eachother is like preparing to witness a battle. But sometimes I just want to be able to sit around and play with them just like everything in the world will be okay for us. Time has not been gentle on me and I feel as though I have aged ten times my real age but seeing my brothers happy just takes the fears away.

Changes...

Its so frustrating how things can be so different with them everyday. Just last Sunday, he was this sweet little angel who let me give him a bath and take him with me to church. Today he is this unruly, spoiled brat who peed on the sofa and won't take a bath and get ready for school.

It only goes to show that things are unpredictable and difficult in handling a special child. A lot of things will change in just a matter of moments. Bitoy already weighs as much as me as of this time, how much more in the years to come?

I'm afraid that I may not be patient enough to handle that. And what about Ryan? What more piece of patience can I spare for him? He's already in his late teenage years and what if his sexuality starts to kick in?

How much help can I be at that point? I'm so frightened that my parents will abandon their responsibility towards my brothers because otherwise our future will be compromised. I cannot take care of them and work at the same time and I don't want to be forced to take them to an institution. That's the worst case scenario!

My Fears

Everyday seems like torture to me. Being unemployed and stay home sister is not doing well for me. I don't know why it seems so hard for me to take a stand towards the taking care of my brothers, hands on. I do in my own way, that is taking them out for a ride in the afternoons and buying them food but getting them ready to school and taking them to school is so hard for me to do.

My brothers don't listen to me anymore and I'm starting to fear that I may not have any control over them at all. What I'm afraid of is what will happen when our helpers will leave or when we will migrate? What will happen to our family and what will happen to my own personal life?

I seem to sound selfish most of the time and I admit that I may be selfish. But I can't seem to get past the fact that I have a lot of things planned for my life and that I am not yet ready to take over their care. When will I be ready? I don't know.

Everyday my brothers are getting older and everyday there seems to be a gap between us that I have a hard time getting close. I want to be able to spend time with them but I can't do that on my own. Physically I can't handle them and emotionally I'm not strong enough either. I'm afraid that one day I will not be able to control them and I won't be able to find people who can control them.

I just wonder how my parents feel. Are they thinking of the same things as I am? Are they also trying to break free to live their own lives? If they are, what about me? What about my brothers? Am I their sacrificial lamb?