Everyday seems like torture to me. Being unemployed and stay home sister is not doing well for me. I don't know why it seems so hard for me to take a stand towards the taking care of my brothers, hands on. I do in my own way, that is taking them out for a ride in the afternoons and buying them food but getting them ready to school and taking them to school is so hard for me to do.
My brothers don't listen to me anymore and I'm starting to fear that I may not have any control over them at all. What I'm afraid of is what will happen when our helpers will leave or when we will migrate? What will happen to our family and what will happen to my own personal life?
I seem to sound selfish most of the time and I admit that I may be selfish. But I can't seem to get past the fact that I have a lot of things planned for my life and that I am not yet ready to take over their care. When will I be ready? I don't know.
Everyday my brothers are getting older and everyday there seems to be a gap between us that I have a hard time getting close. I want to be able to spend time with them but I can't do that on my own. Physically I can't handle them and emotionally I'm not strong enough either. I'm afraid that one day I will not be able to control them and I won't be able to find people who can control them.
I just wonder how my parents feel. Are they thinking of the same things as I am? Are they also trying to break free to live their own lives? If they are, what about me? What about my brothers? Am I their sacrificial lamb?
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This is an accounting of my day to day interaction and care of a special child. Those that I will be noting down are real everyday experiences. This blog is will not only serve as my journal but as an example for those who also want to know more about children with special needs.
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